Mr. Mellow
No need to be upset

Real Name

Joseph "Joe" Mellow


Mr. Mellow







During the thread that spawned Rage Racer, Mr. Mellow was also created to serve as his arch-nemesis who uses his relaxation gas to commit crimes on a chilled out populous.


Mr. Joseph "Joe" Mellow was a dangerously unstable criminal. After repeated violence against his fellow inmates, Toronto scientists who had been developing a sort of "brain pacemaker" proposed a solution: they would modify the pacemaker to prevent anger. If their creation could calm Mr. Mellow, that would prove the effectiveness of their new product and result in easier rehabilitation for criminals; the British authorities would, of course, be commended for their scientific spirit and Mellow's absence would end embarrassment by the press' coverage of inter-prison "incidents."

However, they never imagined that fury was hampering Mellow's criminal genius nor that removing it would make him exponentially more dangerous. A role model patient after his surgery, Mellow was even allowed to make phone calls. On a June afternoon, taking tea with a resident doctor monitoring his health, Mellow was asked why he had done all he had in the past. He answered that when he was a child, he found a stray cat with a litter of newborn kittens in an alley behind his house. He tried to chase the mother away for he didn't want the filthy things hanging about his home but to his surprise the small kittens defended their mother. After crushing a kitten's skull under his heel (which was surprisingly fragile, he added), some of its brothers and sisters fled while others fought all the fiercer. "You see Doctor, while others found the things cute, I found them exceedingly boring. To see their true nature was exciting. So I thought, if the little buggers were so interesting, wouldn't it be absolutely glorious to see what people do in extreme circumstances? Wouldn't you like to see who your friends truly are? I would. I would kill to know." The stunned doctor clears his throat then takes to writing in a notepad while Mellow is seen to reach inside his coat pocket. Here, any discernible surveillance tape footage ends.

That evening the police responded to a call from the research facility's night custodian, who had arrived to the remains of bloody mayhem. It was concluded that one Mr. Joseph Mellow was missing, as well as a pair of trousers, hat, formal suit, and tie from the director's closet.

Joe Mellow is assumed to currently be in the United States. Earlier that afternoon, a man fitting his description wearing clothes matching the director's suit had crossed the border in a Bentley State Limousine. With a British passport under the name Sidney Reilly, he had declared his reason for visiting the United States was to meet new people.


Due to the peacemaker in his brain, he remains calm at all times and never loses himself to anger. He has taken it upon himself to integrate this sense of calmness into every aspect of his daily life, be it personal or super villainy.

When Mr. Mellow wants to do something that the average man doesn't have time for, he makes everyone else go slower, just like how chillin' out, maxin' and relaxin' all cool makes the day drag by. He doesn't need to do any theatrics or showing off.

Before Mr. Mellow goes to sleep, he takes a nice relaxing bath, then cuddles up in his armchair by the fire to read one of his favorite feel-good novels, accompanied by a glass of warm milk and a plate of chocolate-chip cookies just like Grandma used to make.


Mr. Mellow's primary tactic is to use his relaxation gas to make everyone go into a content and dreamy state so he and his cronies can commit their crimes without any commotion or panic, he makes it a pleasant experience for all.

This gas is particularly effective against Rage Racer as every time he gets close, the Mellow spray drops his speed level. Eventually RR is able to overcome Mellow's gas by getting mad enough; to counter this, Mellow came into the possession of something (unknown if it is technology or magic) that allowed him to slow down time. He only uses these time distortion powers when RR has disrupted his comfyness.

Robbery ScenarioEdit

Heads turn as the doors to the Metropolitan Bank of America burst open. a dozen or so masked men in business suits rush in and begin herding people onto the floor.

"This is a a robbery!" one yells

A woman screams and shots are fired into the air by one of the masked men.

"Now, now..." The voice is smooth and soft but cold as ice.

A well dressed man walks into the room adjusting the knob on a compressed gas tank.

"There's no need for all this ruckus..."

He walks over to the woman and places his hand on her face as the other turns the nob on his gas tank. a blue gas slowly leaks out of his sleeve. He smiles as the woman's face droops into a content dreamy expression and her body goes limp as she falls to the floor.

"No need for it at all..."

The gas slowly flows through out the room as tellers and customers alike slowly slide to the floor, content smiles upon their faces.

The masked suits begin filling bags with cash as the man with the gas tank overlooks their progress.


He smiles pleased with the smoothness of the operation. No need for theatrics.

His henchmen begin filing out of the bank, bags full to the brim. he tails them to the door. Before leaving he turns.

"My name is Mr. Mellow... Excuse my men, they get a bit excited... I'm glad we could get through this with cooperation and no need for raised voices... Tell your friends about me."

He smirks as he closes the door behind him and climbs into waiting black sedan.

Time Distortion ScenarioEdit

Mr. Mellow is getting all comfy in his big comfy chair so he can plot tomorrow's relaxing atrocities. Suddenly, Rage Racer comes speeding out of nowhere, tears the shit out of his favorite comfy chair, and smacks him in the face.

Mr. Mellow, sprawled over the half-destroyed armchair, cringing inwardly as Rage Racer crushes the entire plate of cookies under his heel, smashing both the fine china and the delicious treats to a pulp. His favorite milk glass was long gone; chucked out the nearest window at a speed upwards of 200 miles per hour.

"I... I hadn't finished those..."

Another kick to the face and we find Mellow lying on the carpet a few feet away, neck twisted at what had to have been a painful angle for a normal man.

"Really, there... was no need... for all that..."

He smiled gently, trying to stand up.

Rage Racer stared at that smile and felt his face contort into new, fantastic shapes befitting of new, fantastic levels of rage.

Rage Racer notices the shattered glass of Mellow's window floating in midair. No, no that wasn't quite right, they were moving- but at a snail's pace.

"You know, you really should not have done that."

Rage could feel fresh adrenaline coursing through his veins as he turned to face Mellow; he could see that smug blackguard's smirk in his mind already. Though his mind was craning his neck, his muscles moved slower than 4chan when the servers are out of whack.

"Terribly sorry, good man, I'll bring you back up to speed- my speed, that is-soon."

Rage's head was finally turned to face him, a sword floating through the air towards him, hilt first. He pulled it out of thin air as he heard the scrape of steel against scabbard. Mr. Mellow had just pulled the head of his walking cane out of its' shaft, revealing a rapier blade.

"Let's skip the formalities, shall we, Mister Racer? I always found it horridly degrading to slap another man with a glove just to issue a challenge. You have offended me, sir. Greatly. Yet I can admire you, you are the first opponent to force my hand upon the flow of time. You are respectable yet, so let us settle this as gentlemen."
"Yes." Rage Racer growled. "Let's."